Le Unravelled

A Thanks A Day Part 2

2011-11-14T19:37:00.001-08:00

Here it continues...

Day 8: Mi Familia!
Family is a wonderful thing to have. This is my blessing of choice for this day as I was reminded at a funeral where a family had to say good-bye to their beloved. Not without drama, but full of love. Thanks for my family!

Day 9: Encouragement!
I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a while, and she was encouraging me. It was not due to anything currently being experienced, but I appreciated the love and care that was expressed in it, and it will be important in a season yet to be experienced. From another perspective: A friend had a family emergency, and I was quite happy to be able to encourage them, and one can only hope it did some good.

Day 10: Laughter!
I find it's such a good feeling to laugh at one's self. To walk into a wrong meeting, and to be lost, yet laugh at it all is truly a blessing. It does wonders for the body and the mind. It also doesn't hurt to be able to laugh with friends, even if I'm the subject of such laughter... or they are!

Day 11: Food!
Food is absolutely a wonderful gift from God. He inspired chefs worldwide to create masterpieces. One such is Indian cuisine. Yum, yum! It may be the reason for a bulge in the mid-section, but even that is a good thing...it means I have that which can nourish me.

Day 12: Clothes!
Every once in a while I go through my closet and notice some of the clothes I have...some are worn, some new, some forgotten. Whatever the situation, they provide privacy, warm, cool, and so much more. They also provide some boost to one's self esteem every once in a while. And more and more I appreciate that I am beautiful, and clothes brings that out ever so often. (PS: I don't look as horrible in leggings as I thought I would! Who'd have thunk it?!)

Day 13: Eyes!
I went to a church that had hymnals with words so small, but yet I could read it WITHOUT glasses or braille. There was also some eye-candy on which I could partake (I did hear the message though so no horrors). It also helps that seeing the road allows me to drive where I wanna go. The list could go on and on and on. The summary of it all: I am grateful for my sight. I pray I will continue to have this blessing for some time to come, preferably til the day I die (and that my vision will improve with faith and age)!

Day 14: The Bible!
The more I read this wonderful book, the more I love it! It has so much to offer. It's history, encouragement, inspiration, truth...What more can I say except see for yourself!

More to come in another week!

A Thanks A Day: The Beginning

2011-11-07T20:07:00.000-08:00

In the latter part of October (the best month of the year), I started seeing ads related to Thanksgiving (and Christmas). It started to play on my mind that I have much to be grateful for. But that's not where it started. I thought more and more about Ecclesiates which was the Book of focus at Bible Study. To say it has words of wisdom that span centuries and millennia and still is relevant today is an under-statement! The Book is based on one simple truth - that everything outside of God is meaningless! It encourages us to recognise this truth whilst enjoying the life God has given us! And the more I read, the more determined I became to enjoy life, to live as fulsomely as I can. And I resolved that November would be a time to reflect on gifts in my life. Hence, A Thanks A Day begun!

Day 1: Life!
Without it, there is no thanks that I could give. So for the ability to breath, to feel my heart beating, THANKS!

Day 2: Hearing!
My morning with greeted with the cries of a spoilt child...as are many other mornings. After the initial annoyance, I heard the birds chirping. And I thought - how wonderful it is to be able to hear!

Day 3: A Job I Love!
Ecclesiates 2:24; 5: 18 says that enjoying one's toilsome days is a gift from God. Many persons have asked what it is that I do (for work), and my answer is typically the same - it's doing what I like to do! Yes there are challenges, but I am quite happy to do what I do. It's a package really - the work, those with whom I work, and so much more. And it doesn't hurt that it pays the bills :-)

Day 4: Ability to Learn!
Quiero hablar español mucho bueno. High school was a good start (up to the CXC level), but practically no follow-up meant dormant and extinct information. More and more one realised the value of a second language, thus began the journey of teaching oneself spanish. Me gusta estudiar español. Tengo que ir a Cuba o Puerto Rico y practicar en un año...o algún día.

Day 5: Friends!
Friends are wonderful! Some are near, some are far. Some I speak with often. Others...not so much. But whatever their role and how frequently they play said role, I am grateful to have 'em!

Day 6: No Car Accidents!
On my way to church (late, but that's not the issue), I put on my indicator to turn right. Good thing I am perceptive enough to notice the way a particular car directly behind me was driving, and it was not with "road manners". I was able to stop mid-turn as said car (green toyota, license plate ending FY) overtook me ON THE RIGHT and (wait for it...) blowing ME in the process as though I am a jacka$$ committing a "road sin" (on my way to church no less). But I continued on to church, and heard a wonderful sermon on loving others. Anyways, I reflected on near-misses and other accidents I avoided without even knowing, and was very grateful.

Day 7 (today): Freedom!
The ability to choose should not be taken lightly. Many would do just about anything for freedom. I am not in prison, nor am I bound to eat the same thing every day, nor do I need to drive the same route to go home at the same time each day.... It's all my choice. It's one of those things we often take for granted, and frustrating evening traffic reminded me of this simple, yet important gift.

I will post again in a week. 'Til then, hasta luego!

From a Grateful Heart

2011-10-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

'Twas a year, balanced, now coming to an its close,

And gratitude is overflowing from a grateful heart.

The year's start was punctuated with inadequate self-worth, unrecognised blessings, ungratefulness, false perception of confidence, largely faithless existence, somewhat lack-luster smiles and laughs...unclaimed joy!

But God used my trying circumstances - storms, fires, valleys - and built upon the blessings already scripted. He redirected my path, my mind and spirit, to a better, more excellent way. Thus continued a journey to my supra-normal being, but with a renewed drive and focus etched within!

I am accepting my destiny - that I'm unique. I was born to stand out, no matter what!

My smiles are brighter; my laughs grow richer; my joy is soaring to heights of eagles and beyond! My love for God, for others, for self is growing and growing...

'Twas a year, balanced, now coming to an its close,

And gratitude is bubbling and overflowing from a grateful heart!

Now I patiently await a new year with new challenges, risks, experiences, blessings... and many more reasons to smile :-).

Selah!

On Faith and More

2011-09-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

One of the challenges I have been having is faith. In theory (and ironically from experience), my mind knows that God will take care of me in whatever situation, however big or small. Yet, there is worry, always being concerned, etc. So naturally I pray for God to allow my faith to grow. Well He did answer my prayer. The trick (if I can call it that) is this: the only way for faith to grow is to be in situations that REQUIRE one to exercise it! The answered prayer is therefore a continuation of life, with circumstances having difference faces than before, but with the same purpose. So I tackle them with a more refined attitude. I prefer to learn some lessons but once!

Then there is trust, patience, perseverance, fearlessness...These are areas that are grossly lacking (based on my assessment of where I need to be). And as with faith, the only way to change that is to be in situations that challenge me to trust, be patient, persevere and not fear, etc. It sucks (speaking frankly), but that's a part of the process. I have enough experience to know that I'll be the better for it, so I just have to keep on keeping on.

It is true what they (and the Bible) say - gold can only be purified in fire! Faith, trust, patience and more are learnt when tempted, tested and tried.

Here endeth my ramble!

ConfidentLe

2011-09-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

I was going about my business one day when it hit me:

Confidence is a choice!

It's not that one didn't know that before, but every once in a while people have these seemingly obvious revelations that one can't help but ponder and internalize. It seems people have already started noticing changes in me. I suppose that's a sign that it's not just in my head :-)

Here's to a more confident Le!

More Means Easier?

2011-07-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

There are many things we know in theory. We know, for example, that the more we do something, the easier it gets. But for some reason, we sometimes wallow in self pity or whatever else we so choose, and thereby prolong the cycle of our bad habit or pain or ill-feelings. But as I have shown myself, the more I practice something, the easier it gets. There are instances when I fall back to old habits, and also times when the lesson seems lost (though I'd swear I got it the first time around). The trick though is to not dwell on past victories but use them as reminders of what can be accomplished (as I learnt the hard way). Tests or temptations may get more difficult, but the key to overcoming them is to learn the principles from each preceding lesson and apply them as necessary. After all, we are never given more than we can bear!

Constant-Le Evolving

2011-07-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

It's always good to look back at past experiences and actions. I've been doing that recently and have come to realise that my journey has been long, yet rewarding because of how far I've travelled.

But...

God tends to allow certain events to happen to keep us grounded. Just when one may start to almost revel in the progress made, one is rudely or politely reminded that the path to one's best self is FAR from completion. The past successes have made me into what I have become - a bit more mature, wiser and smarter than the me a few years, even months ago. But there is yet more growing to do.

I've just barely scratched the surface it seems. It therefore means Le is constantly changing, and one can only hope it'll always be for the better.

Losing to Gain

2011-06-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I have these realizations. Recently, it has been about loss and gain. How so? Read on.

Let's begin with a story - Not too long ago, I made the decision to get braces. It is financially draining, but considering the problems I was having, I didn't see myself with much of an option. It also happened that putting these braces in coincided with a me that had changed to a point I had only previously dreamed about...a change I love and am grateful to have been given to opportunity to make (thanks to the Father). I therefore smile a whole lot more. The irony is that I love my smile in the time I am slowly losing it for what it has been all my life. It seems that most people smile less when they wear braces, but for me, I seem to be smiling all the time. It's as though it's enough to wake up (in pain or otherwise) for me to smile. And when taking pictures, I can't help but smile big and bright (which was a rare occurrence before).

In time past, I made a vow that nooone would take my smile away. At the time, I hadn't been able to quite accomplish that feat. But my attempts to achieve it did help to get me to where I am today. I am learning to love me for me and not give much concern about what others think. Yes, I will still listen, but at the end of it, I determine what needs to be done. It is liberating! I do realise I still have a "ways" to go, but having gotten to this point is wonderful, and I intend to continue aiming for that peak...whatever that peak may be.

My confidence is not that I think a lot of what others think (be it good or bad). It's just me appreciating God made me as me, and my vulnerabilities are what make me unique. It has also been that loss has resulted in much gain. I lost myself, but now I have and am regaining me. As such, I am a more confident person, one who takes more control over what she does and who she is. I'm taking away the power over me that I gave mankind who had no business owning it in the first place. So forgive me if my smile is too bright. Since you can't beat it out of me, join in :-D

Shocks to Shots

2011-05-06T21:55:00.000-07:00

Sometime after 4 a.m. this morning, I could swear my bed was swaying. I jumped up slightly disoriented, not sure if it was a dream or not. I heard dogs barking so I figured that it wasn't a dream. For a few minutes after the quake, I wondered if I should go outside or something, but I opted to remain and see what happens. Unfortunately, I get a headache when I am startled like that when sleeping, so sleeping afterward proved a challenge.

In my sleepless state, I tried to get my mind and heart to calm down. That didn't quite happen as hoped, but hey! So I turned and tossed a bit. One one occasion I looked up and that's when I realised that my head was directly below my air conditioning unit! It occurred to me that had the earthquake been much stronger, it could easily have been dislodged and obeyed the rules of gravity. It was a wake-up call so I resolved to change the position of bed. I also realised that I needed to be careful in not locking up too tightly. It's one thing to want to keep potential intruders out, but it's another to be trapped inside. The events were a reminder that I sometimes take life and so many other things for granted, so I "woke up" feeling happy for life.

After work, I went to lyme with a couple of friends. It's true what they say - time really flies when you are having fun! We had a really good time just sipping lattes and chatting. I got home sometime after 8 p.m. I changed from my work clothes, put some food in the microwave and started watching tv. Soon after, I heard what appeared to be screams. Because the tv was on, I wasn't sure if it was real or not. A few seconds later, it was obvious that they were indeed real, because they became louder and were followed by a few gunshots. And it was also obvious that this was all taking place by the houses that were a parking lot and a wall away from my apartment. I called the police right away, shaking a bit and praying it wasn't serious. I also turned off my lights and took a "safe" position for a few minutes. I didn't hear much after that, so I assumed whatever went down had ceased. A friend who lives close by heard later that some men came and robbed a lady of her car, and a goodly neighbour fired the shots but to no avail. Fortunately, God answered my prayer because noone was injured.

After that last event, I was pissed! I had such a high coming home because of the time I was able to spend with friends. The events happened less than 15 minutes or so post me getting home, so I could have easily been caught up in the get-away. My friend who lives close by could also have been caught in the attack, and just like that, either of us could have been hurt or worse. I could have been an audio witness to a vicious crime, and someone could have lost their mother, sister, friend... It's almost as though many good things in Jamaica are marred by evil forces, and I felt that the events ruined my and other people's evening. I was pissed! It's one thing to be reminded by Acts of God to be prepared for whatever life throws out, but it's another to be reminded by people who have evil residing in them.

The lesson of today: Life is precious and people need Jesus! This lady is therefore gonna continue finding happiness in the small and the big and the in-between. God knows that I need a (gentle?) reminder ever so often, so I am prepared for that...I hope.

Thou Shalt Learn to Give AND Receive

2011-05-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest challenges is knowing how to give and also to receive. It doesn't matter what - it could be money, food, time, etc. But I find that more and more I am being put in various situations that are forcing me to learn, especially about receiving.

Recently, I made a decision that I wanted to go to the US because of a family issue (let's call it that). At first I was a bit concerned since I realise it would cost quite a lot. But in keeping with my new mode of operation, I gradually reduced the worry and concern and put it more in God's hands. Not long after, I am told that I will be heading to a workshop in Panama. It also happened that the trip would routed through Miami. Like seriously?! I requested the cost of changing the ticket so I could spend some time in Florida, and they did it at no extra cost. Needless to say I was amazed at how God worked because I did not see that coming. It also didn't hurt that I was going to be in an all-inclusive hotel in a place that I had wanted to visit for some time now.

The weekend before my trip, I spent time with a friend who I hadn't seen or lymed with in a while. Originally we were gonna go eat ice-cream, but then at the last minute she decided on a movie instead. I had my palace card with me, and because their machines were not working, I got the ticket free. At first I looked at the cashier waiting for further information, which wasn't forthcoming. Then I asked if it's free and she said yes. There was a bit of guilt. I mean, it's a holiday weekend and I get a movie ticket for free?

These are just two of many recent instances of receiving gifts that were unexpected, the former being the most important of course. But it reminded me of how much I need to learn the art of receiving, whether the gifts are from family, friends or strangers. I have been given many things in the past, and whilst I largely accepted them, there was often an element of guilt; I felt almost undeserving. It was especially difficult when I was not able to give back. It still is actually.

I believe in a God that specialises in impossibilities. It is important therefore that I continue to slowly chip away what has been a long-standing habit. Many instances and situations and persons have reminded me that sometimes I am blessed to bless others. I should not want to take away the fulfillment someone gets from giving something to me, nor should I want to rob someone of receiving some of the blessings that come my way. The biggest and most difficult reminder though is that I should not want to reject the blessings God has identified for me and noone else! The challenge, then, is to find the right balance. It's a struggle, but I am learning more and more that I can do way more than I ever thought possible.

My Very Own Laptop Bag

2011-04-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

In the past, I have made an attempt to sew a bag for my computer and failed...somewhat miserably. But for some reason, that fire was re-ignited and tonight I did it! The trick was to not think I could do it on my own as much as I did before, but to follow the instructions from the design I opted to use. It's very plain at the moment, but I am happy with it! In addition to an A-line skirt and a peasant skirt (the latter I wore to a wedding), this counts as one of my proudest pieces!

Insert smile.

What next? Who knows?! But I think I can try and spruce up this ere laptop bag and make it mi own some mo'!

Written Words

2011-04-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

Not so long ago I spent some time going through words that have been written by many persons to and for me. It made me smile. But I often wonder if they had a chance to re-write their words if they would. I can't say that I see where much that it manifests these days. I realise that I myself may have written things or said things that were true, but time and circumstances have changed much. I therefore acknowledge the same true for those words written for me which now seem less applicable. I do accept them though for what they were and what they meant. And like everything else, their season has passed and life goes on. Who knows, perhaps the future holds a script far more wonderful and powerful than I can imagine.

Me or My Dos and Don'ts?

2011-03-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

Something a friend said sparked a thought - who do people think we are? Are we seen as what we do, or do people see us as what we like or don't like? Do people see us as the sum of our activities? Do people see us for who we really, truly are?

I would like to think that I am more than the sum of what I do. Admittedly what I do is, for the most part, a reflection of who I am. I recycle and I pray and I sing and do all manner of things, but at the end of the day they are just things I do because of who I am. But do people see me or do they see only what I do? Can people actually look beyond my likes and dislikes, my dos and don'ts, my silence and my speech to see me?

One may say it shouldn't matter what people think. To an extent this is true.. very true in fact (if there's such a thing). But to the extent that my life is my witness, what I do needs to fall in line with who I truly am. If it doesn't, then it begs the question - am I really who I say and think I am?

Something to think about.

Secret Gratitude

2011-03-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

There are many things that we share with other people. Sometimes we regret it, sometime it brings unbelievable relief. Yet there are other things that we keep to ourselves. These may be because we are afraid of what people may think, or perhaps it's because there are just some things that are yours to keep in that manner.

Tonight, I was reminded of something that I have not told anyone. As a child and teen, I was chastised for not opening up and talking. I think I have come a far way since then, and I have told people in my ever-changing "circle" things that were and are near and dear to me. I can't say, however, that I regret keeping some things to myself. I could never trust anyone enough to reveal them, and in times when I thought I was getting to that point, things changed. One thing in particular has been on my mind and I was reminded of it tonight. It makes me grateful that with all that happened to and with me in the past, things are the way they are. I see how circumstances could have been so much worse and how my life could have been very, very different. So for that, I am eternally grateful.

Different-Le Still

2011-02-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

I have been on a journey of daring to be different for some time now. I think in many respects I have succeeded...at least if what others say is any such indication. But there are other ways I didn't quite intend to be different, but intended or otherwise, there are lessons to be learnt and experiences to gain. In the meantime, I have an overwhelming amount of gratitude to God for keeping me in spite of...I am happy to be able to fall, get up, grow, smile, cry, etc in my own way. I was designed to be unique and so I am learning to embrace that, even when that is a painful reality (physically and otherwise as I have been discovering recently).

I used to sometimes hide my "different" because I was ashamed of it. But having been convinced more and more that my vulnerability is beautiful, that is slowly being chipped away. I am learning that it doesn't matter what people think - they either love me as me or they don't! Either way, I still breath God's wonderful (though man-polluted) air and He still loves me no matter what.

Here is to a lifetime of a different-from-the-rest, being-me-the-best Le!

Life and Death

2011-02-21T17:11:00.000-08:00

This weekend, a friend was reminded very forcefully that in the midst of life, there is death. A very close family member - who was relatively young- simply collapsed and died yesterday. It doesn't help that this is not the first time their family is left to face tragic circumstances.

In times like these, I wonder how I would cope with such a situation. What if I meant to call or text or email and didn't do either in time? What if they didn't realise their worth in my life? What if our last encounter was an argument? But would it be any easier if I spoke to the person a few minutes or hours or days before they passed on from this world? Would it be easier if I told them how much I love them?

I hope I never have to find out. But I will not kid myself into thinking it's impossible. So I will attempt to keep in touch with people in my life and hope for the best.

God's Love

2011-02-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

I have heard the story of Hosea many times over, but today it had new meaning. Hosea was told by God to marry a prostitute. For someone of his "persuasion" that was pretty big. Gomer (the prostitute) cheated on her husband Hosea time after time. She was somewhat infamous for her promiscuity. In addition to that, she had two children with men who were clearly not her husband. She got to the point where she left Hosea, but became so "run down" that she wasn't worth much anymore. But through all of this, Hosea stayed by her, and loved her unconditionally. When she rejected him, he loved her. When she brought him shame and disgrace and embarrassment, he loved her. When she was about down and out and being sold at "half price", he bought her and treated her like the wife that she was.

Before today, I was focused only on the fact that God made such a weird request. I simply interpreted the situation as God trying to get obedience from Hosea, similar to how He wanted Abraham to be obedient and demonstrate faith when asked to sacrifice his only child. Then today happened.

God's people had turned their backs to and on Him. They forgot their first love. They forgot their God who brought them through difficult times and who provided for and guided them throughout their different journeys. They worship idols, and behaved in ways that were not befitting God's people. But, just like Hosea loved Gomer, He loved them. Hosea's relationship with his wife is symbolic of God's love for His people - past and present day.

I have had my share of problems. Many times I wonder why I was/am in different situations that were/are less than pleasant. Many times I felt so low and alone and I couldn't imagine why because I didn't think I did anything to deserve it. But as time and experience have taught me, God was always there. When friends were and are not, He was and is. He allowed me to travel to valleys to better see and appreciate the mountains. In all things, my character and my witness were being built. In other words, the problem is that I was too caught up with my problems that I could not truly see the bigger picture - God's love. He loves me in spite of me and with an endless love. My flaws and faults are not enough to scare His love away.

It's easy sometimes to forget the positives when so many negatives surround. The past few weeks though have been pivotal in my life. I have been learning more about the power of thoughts and training them to what they should be. It's been difficult as habits are not always easy to break, but it has been such a wonderful journey and experience that I am looking forward to more results. But the important part of this journey is believing more and more that God will not leave me or forsake me -He loves me too much.

Today was a good day :-). Thanks D.F. for reminding me that I am loved, even when it doesn't feel that way. It's now up to me to never lose sight of that.

God's love is as wide as the east is from the west - "from one scarred hand to the other". Casting Crowns

Almost Does Count

2011-02-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

Sunday = 2
Twice on Sunday I almost had collisions. The first time occurred when someone almost ran into my back (which had a baby and one other person) in spite of my indicator from a safe distance away. I was upset, but calmed down after a while and focused on the fact that nothing happened. Few minutes later, a man on a cellphone ignored my indicator on a main road with me having the right-of-way, and almost ran right into me. This time, I smiled and continued driving.

Monday = 1
I arrived at my apartment to the sound of water running. I quickly opened the door to realise that the pipe had been running all day long. I suspect the pressure had been reduced in the night, so though it was not dripping or running when I left home, it certainly did so while I was away. Now I realise that had I left dishes in the sink, my entire apartment would have been flooded (including my back-up external hard-drive). It's amazing that I followed the voice that lead me to wash my dishes instead of waiting 'til I got home as I normally do. I thanked God for preventing what could have been a very bad occurrence. I also smiled for having listened to the voice and not allowing my laziness to kick in.

Tuesday (today) = 1
I am on Shortwood Road heading up with nobody directly behind me. However, someone with a great deal of impatience forced his way off a minor road and caused me to swerve (almost into the sidewalk) and stop, the same while continuing on their way to drop their child to school (at least an assumption since he/she turned into the school yard). Again I smiled (though after a few minutes) and started talking out loud about how blessed I am to have survived the third attempt on my well-being in three days.

The lesson from all this - be grateful for the almosts! In many instances (such as those above), they do count, and in a very big way!

'Twas Three Years Ago...

2011-02-09T01:07:00.000-08:00

'Twas three years ago I lost a most precious thing - You.
I prayed hard for comfort;
I felt lost and alone and so much more.
I was upset with God for taking you;
Still, I thanked Him for having placed you in my life.

'Twas three years ago and it still hurts.
Your memory still falls short of the you I want to be here.
I miss you beyond what words can describe.
Your love will always mean the world to me.
Your love will always comfort me.

'Twas three ago I didn't get to say goodbye.
I was not there to tell you how so very much I love you.
You did not hear how much I appreciate all you have been and done for me.
I didn't tell you that my time with you was the best time of my life.
I didn't thank you for loving me unconditionally.

'Twas three ago and your absence still pains the heart.
Tears still stain the cheeks;
Sadness still rears its head ever so often in spite of the wonderful memories.
All we now have are your memories.
All we now have are your pictures.

'Twas three years ago the world stood still though only for a while.

You sang your way to a heavenly rest;

You smiled for the last time;

Prayed your final prayer;

Loved us one last time.

'Twas three years ago...and still you're sorely missed.

Twitching Finger

2011-02-03T21:13:00.000-08:00

The day is gone a few hours now.
'Tis the time when most sleep.
'Tis the time my body starts to sleep.
Yet the silence is broken by a ticking clock- tick tock...
Fingers typing- ping pong...
Mind churning.-
On anything.
On everything.
On nothing.
So I type. I provide mental release.
The body, and mind are fatigued, yet I type.
Twitching finger are but a manifestation of an always churning mind.

Seed to Logwood?

2011-02-03T08:04:00.000-08:00

It began with a seed.
Planted in fertile soil, and tended with care.
Leaves sprung.
A young plant emerged.
Green and with life.
Time brought forth a tree, solid wood and many branches.
Then the life that nurtured it changed.
The winds were stronger, the water more scarce, access to the sun grew less.
Timber!
Body now in many pieces...drifting in water that is sometimes rough, sometimes calm.
Leaves are withered...scattered...decomposing - creating new fertility for a change to come.
Roots are grounded, still alive though holding but a stump - branch-less, leaf-less, fruitless...
Yet, awaiting a new wind, a new life to regenerate.
The logwood was pruned from the dying tree.
Will new life emerge? Time and God know.
Til then...

Nooooooo!

2011-01-31T12:31:00.001-08:00

On this the 31st day of January I found the first two grey hairs on my head. Is this a sign of something?

Safety on the Road

2011-01-31T05:51:00.000-08:00

The last couple days have shown me that God is watching over me...at least thrice!

Day one, I am turning into my apartment complex having put on my indicator for all to see. It's evening, so its kinda dark which means the indicator is even more obvious. However, someone decided that speed was the name of the game, and almost ran into my back. He had to swerve a bit into the lane of the oncoming vehicles to avoid running into me. As I had to cross the lane of the oncoming traffic, it would have been a sure collision had he not stopped when he did, just inches from my car.

Fine. Yesterday I am on my way to church. It's the first time I am arriving there early in ages. I put on my indicator again from a distance off (I believe they are not pretty lights to act as decorations). As I am turning in (and crossing the lane of the oncoming vehicle as it was clear), I realise someone was about to overtake me ON THE RIGHT and therefore would have crashed right into me. Not the car alone, but the part of the car that had me in it. I simply smiled and continued driving. Whosah!

This morning, I am driving to work and minding my own business. A man on a bicycle carrying load in front of him turned his bicycle into the direction of my car. Fortunately I saw him from a good-enough distance away and slowed down. Otherwise, I would have hit him. Then I would have had to deal with my car, his bicycle and load, and perhaps injuries sustained to mind, body and spirit of both of us.

So in the space of a few days, I have been spared from three major accidents. And for that I am grateful. However, I do acknowledge that I am a bit annoyed. These are instances that could all have been avoided. In spite of it all, I will work on me so that all that remains will be gratitude. Many are not as fortunate as I was so being here to tell my tale is reason enough to celebrate.

MLKJ Reminder

2011-01-17T06:12:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for the reminder that dreams, however impossible they may seem, can be achieved when God is the energy source one seeks and finds. The hurdles may be high, the hill steep, the odds stacked, but dreams and visions can still come true.

Thanks.

Friendship

2011-01-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

I have come to learn that people have different perceptions, definitions and levels of what it means to be a friend. I once had the notion that a friend will be there through really great and extremely bad times and all the times in between. In essence, if you called someone your friend, you are making an unspoken vow to them to be there unconditionally. I have since come to realise that this is unrealistic and to some (small) degree, an unfair expectation. It seems even marriage (where persons vow to be there "for better or for worse") is demanding that and is sometimes a mammoth feat. So I have since had to re-evaluate what I expect from people who I call friend (in the deeper sense of it).

What does that mean for me being a friend though? I still believe I should try and be there for my friend no matter what. Yes it may be difficult, and yes there may be times I would much prefer not to make great sacrifices. However, it is still something I am striving towards as I think nothing less is demanded of me by God. This is said with caution though. I have come to realise that in caring for and being there for my friends, I need to pay closer attention to me. I can only help and "love as myself" when I learn to love me more. That has been a very important realisation in the recent past. So my approach will be adjusted. While recognizing there are exceptions to most rules, the basic principle is something I believe in - be there no matter what!

The thought has occurred to me that I may have double standard expectations. I know what I intend to give of myself in the name of friendship. However, my expectations of my friends is not even close to the friend I am trying to be. It's not to say that friends won't be there when I need them (some of the times anyways). It's realising that I am more and more expecting them not to be and, more importantly, being fine with that. Double standard or realistic? Hmm...

In conclusion - we all need friends. My hope is to be there when needed, and I guess it would be good if my friends are there to help me when need I them.

Answered Prayers

2011-01-12T19:14:00.000-08:00

There are times when answered prayers bring indescribable relief, even in turmoil. Believing in the power of prayer is also a faith-tester... I've been discovering how amazing and inspiring it is to find the faith and strength needed to believe in times when the odds are stacked against desired outcomes and especially when life depends on it.

Ask, seek, knock...God answers all.

Loving Le, Loving Others

2011-01-10T09:20:00.000-08:00

I read a power pill from Alvin Day and I found it quite revealing. It spoke about being able to love others as we love ourselves, a mandate given by God. And it struck me - I must therefore be able to love myself very deeply and strongly to be able to love others in like manner! It was as though a lightbulb went on in my mind.

Loving myself is not about being egotistical or self-absorbed (though many confuse them). It is about appreciating my vulnerabilities as a part of me, and loving them. It is about being able to look in the mirror and say with conviction that "I love myself!". It is knowing that I am a vessel of God and a temple for the Spirit and doing what I can to protect preserve, maintain and sustain me to facilitate the awesome work God will have me do. My love for me is a deeper way to love God and of course, others!

I love me! I will make continued efforts at discovering more of what that means and putting my discovery into practice. After all, I am worth it!

Alvin Day's Reminder - Greatness

2011-01-10T06:17:00.000-08:00

Introduction
Yesterday I dragged myself out of "bed" to attend a presentation by Alvin Day at church. And I am very happy I went. Some people say he is a motivator; some may say he inspires people. For me, he is a mix of many things.

Greatness, he says, has three sides or pillars - mindset, strategy and action.

Mindset
I believe that this is at the top or centre of everything. It determines how well we implement all the other pillars. Most importantly, it dictates to a large degree the quality of our lives as we are what we think. I tend to have difficulty transforming my mind to what I know it should be. So if I have difficulty accepting a fact and I try to change my reaction, it proves difficult. I have seen where putting greater and consistent effort into that transformation has paid off, and I will continue to be inspired by my and others past victories.

Strategy
It is of utmost importance to know what one wants in terms of a vision and the requisite goals. The strategy therefore is develop and design one's vision tree and be clear about it. We must also recognise that we may not always know the exact path to achieving what we set our for, but once we know what the end result is, we can do the necessary investigation (and even make some mistakes along the way) until we get there.

Action
Action is another of my challenges. I tend to be like a pendulum in that sometimes I act, sometimes I don't. What is boils down to though is mindset. Once I have conquered that, I think all else will fall into place.

Conclusion

He made quite a number of points that I will ponder and internalise over the year in hopes that it will do more than create a new way of thinking and being. It will keep the flame of greatness bright and help me to maintain it without complacency. I hope to be able to inspire others not by any words I may have but by the life I live and battles I conquered despite the odds.

Remaining average is a way of abdicating our God-given right to be great!

Vulnerable for Vertical Movement

2011-01-06T19:20:00.000-08:00

Today I was reminded of a very important philosophy (let's call it that). Vulnerability is beyond just showing weaknesses. It provides a pathway for me to demonstrate to myself that it is ok to accept them as a part of me. It recognizes where the opportunities are in hurts and pain and allowing them to shape my life for the better. It benefits me when I use it to overcome my fear of being less than I am or of thinking that rejection is worse than it really is. An important part of this philosophy - a part that stood out - is the acceptance that life will not always go the way I hope or expect but that life will go on. How it does this is dependent largely on me!

I can be vulnerable. Life has turned out some nasty realities and even deceptive and destructive perceptions and will continue to do so. However, I should embrace each as a stepping stone to a more wholesome me. I can climb higher once I better understand what the depths are. I can be happier and seek happiness more vigorously having experienced what sadness is.

My vulnerability should be a powerful tool. In the past, I have used it to my advantage. However, I have also allowed it to win; I gave up on important opportunities. It has caused feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, delusions of being unwanted or unappreciated. But it seems that being human is about discovering paths and riding waves/cycles. On this particularly path and cycle, I am experiencing even more self-discovery and learning more about the kinetic and potential energy of my unique vulnerability. I only pray and hope, as in the past, that I can keep my chin up long enough and keep moving forward to the next adventure God will allow to come my way. After all, He will be there to provide the guidance, the light, the motivation, the faith, the courage, and the strength to continue placing one foot ahead of the other until the goal is reached and the prize is won and the vertex is my resting place.

Selah.

My Challenge?

2011-01-03T06:25:00.000-08:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover". Mark Twain

Truth Revelations

2010-12-30T22:15:00.001-08:00

It is amazing how clear one's vision becomes once truths are revealed. It can bring to light many misunderstandings and ignorance. Just as important, it shows the value of trusting one's intuition because maybe, just maybe, it is some version of correct.

2nd Fiddle

2010-12-28T13:26:00.000-08:00

It's not a bill that's up to be voted on-

It became a law when He wrote it in stone,

No. 1 in the list of His big Ten;

Came to Earth, said it again.

It's been the same (way) since the beginning of time.

Don't be fooled in thinking that it's not a crime;

He made it plain and clear,

It's not a rhyme or a riddle...

God don't play second fiddle!

The Gaither Vocal Band did this song and for some time in the not too distant past, I used to listen to it quite a bit. It popped into my head recently and I was reminded of why I liked it. It's a good reminder that in all I do, God must be first or He "won't play" much if at all. I believe He appreciates when we do our best, even though we may slip and fall sometimes - He'd still play :-)

Clues

2010-12-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

When things are not stated plainly, one can sometimes only read between the lines and read the clues to know truths.

Personal Battles

2010-12-21T06:44:00.000-08:00

One fights many battles on a daily basis. Some big, some small. Some important, some not so much. But of all the ones that have the greatest impact are the personal struggles. These are the ones that people may not see - that are hidden from the public's eye. They cause the greatest hurts but also the greatest victories.

This year has been quite an interesting ride. Of all the battles fought, I lost quite a few...maybe even most of them. I am still on the battlefield, but the mood has changed. I recognise that my struggles are making me stronger, even though at times it doesn't seem that way. I also realise some battles are not worth fighting and instead, I need to redirect my attention to the ones that are.

Moving forward: I hope in the remainder of this year and the one to come, that I will better understand God's purpose for all these struggles and take the steps required to be that much better having fought them.

Another Year and No Celebration

2010-12-20T14:23:00.000-08:00

Hi Grams,

Today you would have been 83 years old. We would have been planning a celebration of sorts, but it would be small as I know that's what you'd prefer. I still miss you very much, and still hope I could have been better at talking with you, finding out more about your past, our family tree and so much more.

A lot happened this year that has brought me to low points and also made me stronger. I am not sure I would have told you much about them, but I know you would have seen the change. I know you would tell me you are proud of me and give me advice that I would need.

But you're not here, and you won't hear about work and you won't give me advice. But you will always be in my heart. You will always be a part of the life that was not complicated and where I knew what true love means.

I miss you and love you always Grandma.

I'll Be Ok!

2010-12-19T19:08:00.000-08:00

I am not poor. If ever I said that I would be very ungrateful. At the same time, I am not rich. I find that recently I have been struggling financially more than usual. For the first time, the combined amount owing on my credit cards is the highest ever. In addition to that, I have had to buy meds out of pocket as the amount on my insurance has been exhausted. I also owe a few people (fortunately family); I have delayed paying them for fearing that I end up with nothing when I will need it (which may not be fair to them). But in talking to a friend today, I was reminded that in spite of my current situation, I am still doing fine. Perhaps now may not be a great period in terms of finding disposable income for a lot of the things I want to do, but I am still able to meet my basic needs, and in time (not too far from now) I can be ok.

In all this, God has been good. I can say that He has sent people to help me in different ways, some unexpected. And in the times I needed an intervention of sorts, it was there.

I know that the difficult times are there to keep me humble and to help me to appreciate the good times even more. So at the end of the day - be it good or bad - I will be ok!

Reminder - Loneleness

2010-12-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I am reminded that life - with the hustle, the bustle, the conversations, the people who are around - can be a very lonely place.

Effective but Inefficient Banking

2010-12-07T07:18:00.000-08:00

I went to an ATM to conduct a particular transaction and for some reason, I was not quick enough and the machine ate my card. Not amused but ok. It happens. The good thing is that it was a debit card issued by the same bank that owns the ATM. However, I would need to go to my branch (Downtown) to collect the card.

Yesterday (a week after the incident) I went to said branch to collect the card. After waiting a few minutes, the lady came back to tell me that they couldn't find the key to the cabinet that has the cards. I looked at her in disbelief for a split second. Then I asked if they are going to replace my card free of cost as this was a great inconvenience. The lady then informed me that the manager would have to make that decision, so naturally I asked to speak with him/her. She went to speak with the manager, then went inside somewhere, and - miracle of miracles -returned with my card. Somehow the prospect of giving away a free debit card resulted in the keys to the cabinet being found.

Lesson: A (Jamaican/Caribbean) bank's effectiveness is enhanced if they are forced to lose money; their efficiency, however, is debatable, even with advances in technology.

(Framing) Gratitude and Human Compassion

2010-11-22T13:29:00.000-08:00

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way." I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it."
Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story:

Be thankful for what you have.. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Disclaimer: The above I received in an email and thought I would share it. Hope it can brighten someone's day, give credence to wise giving, and point out the importance of framing an issue to receive support/response/action.

Are You Kidding?!

2010-10-28T14:27:00.001-07:00

Nope...rude and spoilt kids ANNOY me!

On Deaf "Ears"?

2010-10-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

I posted this letter in the Observer in an attempt to recover my lost phone. I still am hopeful that God can use this as a miracle, so we will see what happens soon enough.

Do You Listen to Me, O Lord?

2010-10-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

Prayer.

It's pretty much a said by many and for various reasons. But are our prayers heard? Are we at such a place with God that He is listening to us and is ready to answer? Or do we need to change the relationship we have with Him for our prayers to be effective?

I heard a sermon a few Sundays ago and thought it very powerful. Many times God has laid a particular verdict upon our lives or those of others. Yet, He was willing to change His stance because of the prayer of righteous men in many instances. Eg, Jonah and Nineveh. The important characteristics of the persons praying were their way of life and commitment to God in spite of all that the world throws their way. And God heard their cries.

What I learnt: For my prayer to be effective, I must first be in such a place that God is willing to listen, not just hear. My motives must be Christ-like and aligned with His will, and I must believe that God CAN and WILL do the seemingly impossible. I must not doubt.

Challenge to myself and all who choose to accept it: Live such a life that God will listen and do beyond the ordinary!

Watching God at Work

2010-09-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

is...

scary;

exciting;

amazing;

awe-inspiring;

over-whelming;

and so much more.

Eating Right

2010-09-12T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've been saying for a while that I need to be consistent with my eating habits - more importantly, I need to try and eat better foods. So starting today, I have embarked upon a week-long journey...a trial almost. I will be eating better foods, controlling when I eat, and hoping the results will manifest themselves in some promising ways. If it does, it should be motivation to keep it going and to make eating right my norm.

Lord, your help is needed!

My Beach Person

2010-09-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

I suppose I knew before now, but it's clearer in my head now. I like the beach. However, my liking is somewhat conditional. First off, it should not be raining!...well unless it's light drizzle that will stop. If it's in the morning to early afternoon, I'm more inclined to sit under a tree, watching and listening to the waves. If it's late afternoon, I wanna jump in!

Rationale: The morning to early afternoon is usually hot and I'm more likely to get burned. It also feels more uncomfortable trying to always keep myself wet so as not feel as though the sun is burning through my skin. I also quite enjoy watching the waves and listening to them crash on the beach. Soothing. In the late afternoon, the water has gained some heat, the sun has retreated, and it's just beautiful...even more so if the sun is setting in the horizon. (Pity Negril is so far.) Sigh.

Blue or Black?

2010-09-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while there is a particular article be it clothes or something printed, and there is debate about what colour it is. For example, dark/deep blue and black are often confused. Is it black looking bluish or is it blue so deep that it appears to be black?

The creator of the item knows the colour (one would assume), but the users are often confused. Is this the fault of the creator? Should s/he have put a tag or label to remove ambiguity? Or is it the users' fault...they should be more familiar with colours to know the difference or use the correct light, etc? If possible, should the creator seek feedback on the product for the sake of improving the "service" offered, or is the onus on the user to communicate with the product's creator for clarification or simply to confirm suspicions?

Let's make this more complicated. What if the product is used in a manner that the creator did not intend? Should the creator have put mechanisms in place to ensure that s/he understands how users respond to the product or better yet, to know their customers enough to see potential conflicts? OR should the user be more cognizant of creator's intention and purpose, particularly if the relationship between the two has been a long-standing one?

In summary - who is responsible for removing ambiguity about whether the colour is black or blue?

Hmmm....

After A While

2010-09-05T13:27:00.000-07:00

I went to church this morning and was very blessed by the message. The essence of it - 1 Peter 4:12-19- is a reminder to us that suffering is an essential part of the life of a Christian, but more importantly, that this suffering is to reveal God's glory and build our character. I left the service feeling encouraged...

To re-enforce the message (in a powerful way I might add....to me anyways), I heard a song on the radio - After A While by Yolanda Adams. I do not think it was a coincidence, and so I decided to share it just in case it can bless someone else the way it did me.

Closed and More

2010-09-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

I made the decision to close a particular bank account because 1. I was not using it; 2. they would take all my money eventually because of 1; and 3. I do not trust the bank. The account was opened a few years ago when I did some volunteer work (so to speak) under the JAMVAT programme. It was a memorable experience and so in some weird way, I had an attachment to said account which facilitated my participation in the programme. I made the decision to close it a few months ago, but kept procrastinating about it. But today, I finally did it.

I'm still not 100% sure I made the right decision. But I think I did. I keep wondering if I acted too quickly or irrationally. I felt tears welling when they were processing the cancellation. But I am happy I did it because it now shows me just how much I hold on to things - trivial and otherwise -and it's plain to see (to me anyways) that that is way too tightly. So with the closing of the account, I hope that I can continue to shed those things in life which need to be released. After all, everything is meaningless (so to speak).

Schizophreni-esk

2010-09-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I do not have a medical condition with this name, but I think my mind has its tendencies.

I Hope I Dance

2010-08-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

I had a discussion with a friend today, and I realise that I am not sure what I should do or what path I should take. I thought I did, but now I am not so sure. I'm trying to learn from life - mine and others - but I find that what I thought was the best, most suitable road may be quite the opposite. So I'm gonna seriously considering going out on a limb... to dance! I realise I may fall, trip over myself (I am a clutz at times) yadda yadda yadda, but maybe, just maybe I've learnt enough to get back up and continue dancing in spite of it all.

Puzzle Pieces

2010-08-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

In the past, the pieces could be located in proximity to a certain area. Now, they are scattered, without pattern. Somehow there seems to be more stability with the latter...but for how long?

Reason and Season

2010-08-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

It is often said that people come into our lives for a reason and sometimes for a season. I was reminded of this concept a few times over in the past few days, and I highly doubt that so many sources would be telling me this without some underlying message or reminder. I believe that this reminder could be that despite lost or infrequent communication, people have been in my life to help me along the way. One cannot under-estimate the impact of these interactions in the same manner that a small amount of salt or other seasoning adds flavour to food. As such, I take this opportunity to say thanks to those who've helped to shape me in some way, shape or colour. To those who served a specific purpose for a season, those who continue to play a role year-round, and everyone in-between - THANKS!

My hope - that we all will have a positive and lasting impact on those we meet. And that we will, ever so often, take the time out to say thanks to those who make us the persons we are.

Water in Context

2010-08-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

We know how important water is. If a survey was done, I am sure most people would opt to have water over any other utility (including electricity). Yet, we waste it! So, information is the best way I know how to get us all to think more about our consumption habits. And since pictures can say thousands of words, I'm using them. Here goes!

Picture 1: Somewhere upstream of the Yallahs River in St Thomas. Water flowing from the hills downstream (as most rivers do). Beautiful, good quality water (...well at the time this picture was taken).

Picture 2: Somewhere Mid-stream of the River. This is where the water is no longer in it natural water-course and is diverted to the populated area of the KMA. Pipes become the temporary home of the water as those of us in the KMA need it (apparently).

Picture 3: Somewhere Downstream the River. Not a drop of water! Believe it or not, this is a river. Peak or off-peak, this is not the natural process for this river.

What makes this worse is that the people of St Thomas have had to deal with water shortage. Why? The "more important" KMA needs it!

Here is some more stats: of all the water that the NWC sends from its various "bases" for consumption, some 60-70% of it is unaccounted for. Yes...you saw correctly. What is worse - this does not include the water that we waste at home, etc.

We CAN do better. It may take a while before much can be done to rectify the 60-70% unaccounted for water (it is expensive!), we as individuals can do our part to ensure that that water which does reach us is not further wasted. There are people who need it and cannot have it. Plus, this has implications for the energy bill we face as a country since a significant portion of energy is used to transport water!

Water is precious! Treat it as such!

Talking to Me Part I

2010-08-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

So there is this _ _ _ who did the unthinkable! (Well I suppose it wasn't unthinkable in the grand scheme of things in this world.) I mean, _ _ made _ _ _ _ - very _ _ _ _ - _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ which I didn't take seriously. But then _ _ did the _ _ _ _ ...well not _ _ _ _ _. I am not sure what to think or how to react. After all, if it is as I think it is, then _ _ _ _-_ _ _ is a serious _ _ _ _ _ _ and I must _ _ _ this in the _ _ _ and point out to _ _ _ that thing must change and will go no-where! I do hope that its all in my _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ is the type that wouldn't do harm. In either case, prayer is warranted!

Getting There

2010-08-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

...to the feeling good stage of my life :-)

Murder Dilemma

2010-08-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

Everyone in Jamaica by now must know about the murder of a man by the police that was captured by someone on video. I think every well-thinking person could see that the man was shot in cold blood. A man down as he was was not a threat to the lives of the persons around, and even if he was, there were alternative means by which he could have been subdued...I do recall seeing other policemen around.

Anyways, today the DPP ruled that the policeman should be charged with 1 count of murder. But here's catch 22- the person behind the video must come forward for the trial. It would appear that this is a problem. Why? The person was asked to come prior to the DPP's ruling but did not. Plus, I am positive this person is fearful of his/her life and perhaps that of a family. But, in not coming forward, the policeman who is clearly guilty could walk. So which should he/she choose? The pursuit of justice in its totality (the video was already publicized which I assume is to achieve some justice) is, I hope, the choice the person should take. I do appreciate that the person is concerned for his/her life, but my belief is that there is a greater purpose for which he/she is called. I only hope that purpose is recognised and accepted.

I'd do the right thing had I been in that position...right? One never knows for sure, but I do hope so!

Dancing - Inspiration for the Month

2010-08-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
Rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
Where those years have gone...

Dance!

Oranges and Greens 2

2010-08-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

I had a discussion with someone about much of the changes that have been taking place in my life, particularly within the last few weeks. This friend had views that were different from mine as it related to what is likely to happen in the future. It seems we could not agree. Then we came to recognize that we were using different definitions- we were comparing apples and oranges.

In essence, the conversation revolved around the person I was vs the person I am and intend to be. The past me had placed too much of myself in the hands of others. I gave pieces of myself to friends and family. I made myself vulnerable because of how much of myself I gave, sometimes unconsciously. Time after time after time I gave and gave and gave in spite of the times this giving resulted in unpleasantness (let's use that word). It wasn't all bad though... I'd probably say it was largely good. The problems, however, stemmed from those times that were bad. People who were entrusted with pieces of me took those pieces and broke them. At times I wanted to mend the broken pieces, and I made quite a bit of effort to do just that. Sometimes it worked (to a point); other times it didn't.

People often speak about the straw breaking the camel's back. In my case, however, it was a hammer. It took this hammer to make me realise I cannot keep living the way I was- giving pieces of Le to people and expecting these pieces to always be treated well and handled with care. Noone owes me that, and I should not expect it. And so began the death of the oranges.

Since I first made discoveries and resolutions, there were some glitches. There were times of weakness where I actually started to revert to my old ways. My newly discovered path was not going at the speed I'd hoped. But I had a defining moment. One fine Saturday, I felt so hurt, betrayed and misunderstood. It was as though I was yet again giving pieces of Le and they were being thrown back at me. And I broke down. The lawns of UWI got a few salted tears. And then, like a light going off in my head, my mind finally got it clearer and brighter than ever before, that that is no way to live. So I wiped my tears and I vowed that no longer will anyone control me like that. The pieces of Le will no longer be given as it was before. That Le- the oranges- will no longer exist. On those greens I was able to pick myself up, and I surprised myself by being able to put it behind me and enjoy my day!

This current path has been long over-due, but better late than never. Some people are able to see the changes that are needed and adapt. Some are only able to learn and change when they are put through fire. I had my fire, and it burned really badly. But, as the gold is purified with fire, so will I be better, stronger and more in-tuned with God having gone through all I did.

I am the only one who knows what I went through. It may all seem trivial to others, and it's possible that noone will ever really understand. But that's ok. The important thing is what happens now. The oranges may be forever lost, but instead are apples which aren't so bad :-)

Oranges and Greens

2010-08-04T07:39:00.000-07:00

Oranges:

Once sweet, sometimes sour.

Now, they are near and dear to me only as a memory.

They're virtually dead.

The Greens:

A symbol of renewal and growth.

A place that received nourishment from me, but gave me more than I could have imagined.

I rose with a new purpose, a new value of me!

The Oranges have died, but the Greens are a hope of better things to come.

A part of me has died in the Oranges, but in its place is a newer, fresher, better me.

With Oranges will rest the me that argued for me, often in vain.

With the Greens will grow the knowledge and acceptance that I am no longer bound but free!

Signs

2010-07-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Big

Medium

Small

Conspicuous

Subtle...Almost Invisible

Loud

Moderate

Soft

Inaudible

Sweet

Bitter

Salty

Sour

Palatable

Odourous

Or not

Rational

Irrational

Instinctive behaviours

Sixth-sense

Whatever form they may take, signs are guides. Sometimes we read the correct signs, sometimes we don't. Other times, there are no signs but somehow we see them. Or they do exist and we do not see them.

God, please grant us wisdom to be able to use them - the right ones, the wrong ones, the non-existent ones- to fulfil our purpose, and become the persons we ought to be.

Perceptive People

2010-07-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how some persons are able to see in me what I thought invisible. I suppose the changing colours are not as subtle as I'd like, so I have my work cut out for me.

Down and Lower

2010-07-18T00:35:00.000-07:00

A word (or two) to those who may care to listen: It's not nice to kick someone when they're down, especially when the alternative does not hurt/harm anyone.

Significant Outlier

2010-07-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

I've spent much time in the past trying to fit in. I wouldn't say I wanted to be completely immersed in whatever groups, but to be identified as a part of them. I wanted to belong somewhere ... to feel a part of something.

Then a few weeks ago it hit me. I was not made to conform to defined rules or varying societal groupings. I was not Divinely designed to want or need a confined space within which to fit. It is no co-incidence that I have been unsuccessful in my previous attempts at fitting it. Whatever success I had was often short-lived.

I was born to stand out! I was born to be more than I have been. I am destined to be great, however small that greatness may be! My life is meant to be a good model, whatever good or bad may befall it!

Like traditions and cultures, it may take a while for full transformation, but recognising and acknowledging who I am meant to be is the first step of the journey.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi.

David Gallo shows underwater astonishments

2010-07-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

David Gallo shows underwater astonishments | Video on TED.com

Not So Scary, Right?

2010-07-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

I struggle with change. Not sure why, but I do. I've experienced change all my life...some big, some small, some in-between. And I always survive...I'd go as far as to say I've been the better for it. But I still fear change.

I think I have come a far way in accepting it as inevitable, and in embracing it a little more than before. Maybe that is a change I need to continue to pursue, especially to get more out of life! So I will try just that...

Here goes!

Behaviour- Are We In Control?

2010-07-06T20:20:00.001-07:00

Interesting perspective

Changing Perspectives

2010-06-29T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am an emotional creature, and there are times that when I fall, I fall hard. That makes it difficult to recover from hurts. This shows me that I am not cut out to rely on human beings... we are all prone to screw-ups. It is not in me to "recover'' as easily when they disappoint or hurt me. I also realise that people do not want that pressure - of living in a "box" defined by my rather high standards. I do not blame them.

Solution - lowered expectations! That should make it easier for people around me. Win-win. I hope that noone will ever have to tell me that they are not able to live up to my expectations, or that they couldn't tell me something because they think I will judge them, etc.

Going forward: The most I can do is live the life (or try my darndest) that I think God wants me to live, and hope that is enough.

Rethinking Solutions

2010-06-21T06:55:00.000-07:00

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

A. Einstein

New Outlook, New Journey

2010-06-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks (dare I say months? years?) have had many ups, but unfortunately, there have been many downs. The up-side to all the down-sides is that a new perspective has evolved on my life. It affects how I live it. It was a hard truth to swallow, but that's life. Much already has changed and will continue to do so.

I often wonder about the way things work and why I sometimes end up positions that I did not ask for or want... and it's not because of anything I can see that I did that was so bad/terrible (right?). BUT...How many before me did the right but still suffered, so what would make me any different, right?! Comes with the territory of a Christian, one that I choose day by day. I can only pray God will guide me to make right choices...seems I can't do that on my own.

Some may think this new road is not a good one. I counter that by saying that sometimes doing what seems "good" is not always the most suitable path. Life has taught me that. So I hope that I do not regret this new road upon which I have decided to travel, however scary and lonely it may be.

PS: Heaven will be a beautiful place with beautiful people (hi Grams!). Kinda looking forward to that.

Almost Saved?

2010-06-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

Saw this video and had to share it.

How We Wreaked the Ocean

2010-05-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

Informative, thought-provoking and very relevant!

Christ is THE Answer

2010-05-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

...But don't only take my word for it.

Passing Time and Energy

2010-05-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

With the passage of time, the energy to fight wanes. There are peaks, there are valleys. But the crests of each season of high are trending down and down and down... The reasons vary. Previous fights have been won. Others - no.

At times it feels as though I fight alone, but I keep pushing through. Lately though I feel that the spark, the fire, the will to rise above is suffering, and the energy is fading.

Do I therefore brace for a flat-line?

Do I keep fighting?

Perceptions

2010-05-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

One of the many flaws I have is the ability to see things that do not exist, or perhaps to the extent I believe. It is often difficult to distinguish that which is fact from that which is fiction. I am often not sure what is my 6th sense kicking in, or my mind showing me what I want to see. I will be the first to admit that I do not often see the full picture until further evidence comes to light...

In the same breath, I also realise that a lot of what I do will suffer the same fate in the eyes of the world. Be it my mood at a given time, or how I behave in a particular setting, people will have the same problem I do - misconceptions. But hey! I can't really help other people so I hope they can deal. I suppose if they ask me though then I will share the relevant info.

What happens now with me?

Continuation of the the Letting Go Phase of my current existence. Not only have I acknowledged that I have problem with seeing things that do not exist (or not to the extent I think), but I realise it's because of other aspects of whatever situation that I have trouble letting go. Soon enough, I will find the right, healthy balance. I do believe that :-). Just hope I have the patience for an efficient and effective transition.

I Try...

2010-05-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

I should know by now there's no way
How I could live my life without You.
Still I get caught up in myself
And talk to you less and less,
And every time that I do
I come right back to You.
Cause after all my mistakes
I know that I have to change
So I put my life in your hands.

I wish I could undo some things that
I have done in my past,
But I can't erase what's already
Taken place.
So from now on I'll try to do my best,
Cause after all my mistakes
I know that I have to change
So I put my life in Your hands.

Nobody wants to fall but I fall sometimes.
Then You are there to catch me
Every time You look beyond all my faults
'Cause You know I need another chance
To get it right You forgive me 'cause I try!

I try but sometimes I fail.
Now I realize that I need Your help
'Cause I can't make it all by myself
I need You!

Incredible- Mary Mary

Don't You Love Le?

2010-05-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

Why do you treat me this way? We used to be close. Not overly so, but close enough. You once treated me well. We shared many great moments, and we also shared some sad ones. You were there for me so many times when I was low...when I cried myself to sleep.

But now, you are abusing me! You cause me great pain and I do not know why. You have hurt the physical and emotional Le, but I have done nothing to deserve it. Why? What is it that you are trying to do to me?

Can we go back to how things used to be, please? I'm begging you! Remember- it's me, Le! Don't you love me?

So? Attitude

2010-04-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

I have struggled over the years to accept many things about myself. I don't like my smile... my skin is too spotted...my shape has more to be desired... All these insecurities affected my self-esteem. It's quite unfortunate that all this was because I thought the world's opinion of me was more important that it should be, and they have a standard by which one must measure up. As far as I could see, I wasn't even close to these pre-determined yet dynamic standards, and I suffered internally as a result.

Time has passed...

Time is passing...

I have come to a place were I am less inclined to what the world thinks. Yes, my skin is not the greatest...far from it in-fact. My smile is not picture-perfect. My figure is not model-esk... among other things. So even though I have acknowledged all/most of my flaws, I am more and more learning to accept them as a part of me and not something I should measure against what society dictates. In other words, I am developing my So? attitude. So what if I am not perfect?

I will put this disclaimer though - I am not completely out of the woods. I do have lapses and moments of insecurities. But I have come a far way, and it is my intention to go even further. If anyone is so inclined, prayers will be greatly appreciated!

PS: Thanks to those who have helped me along the way. You know yourselves!

Losing It

2010-04-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

I am making greater effort and strides to lose it. I knew it required a lot of work, but wow! But you know what? It's worth it so far! I am believing and "faithing" that I will lose it all one day, and I will be all the better for it. Why? It's not good to hold on to things that we know we shouldn't, and that causes us to self-destruct, or to alienate ourselves and others.

The rainbow?
Past victories.

My own reminder?
That I am not Samson :-)

Help?

2010-03-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

Scenario: You are convinced that a particular mode of operation is unwarranted and try to dismiss it as such. You make a seemingly rational analysis that you believe on some level is correct. You seek help from a reliable, unbiased and trust-worthy source for them to confirm your analysis as being right-on-the-mark. However, they believe that that which you are trying to tell yourself is incorrect and you have a solid reason to have an "unwarranted" mode of operation.

Solution: Not a clue! Help?

Phoebia

2010-03-25T08:40:00.001-07:00

That which occurs when the rational, level-headed, straight-thinking part of you is under the control of the erratic, emotional you.

Peepoole

2010-03-19T12:31:00.001-07:00

Alternative-Le

2010-03-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

I am struggling to be a me that I'm not. It's the result of the recognition that the current me is less than perfect; less than adequate by my own standards; and even self-destructive at times. The me that's here is sometimes too emotional, and often unable to let go of things she so desperately wants to see fall to the bottom of the ocean or burn.

Solution - keeping trying. One day I will be the Le that I wanna be, and that I'm happy being... not disappointed that I am not where I really want to and need to be.

Wicked Witch of the East - Her Side of the Story (Summary)

2010-02-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

People hear or better yet see one side of the story. They know about the bad aura and the miserable spirit among other things. Additionally, they make varied assumptions based on what they see and perhaps hear through the grapevines.

It is not a surprise that she's somewhat alienated. But these very people may be surprised that the witch has her side of the story to tell and it may be interesting if
it is ever told. Unfortunately for most, it won't. But the witch realizes that that's a reality she'll have to adjust to along with many others, ironically the same ones that play a role in her real/perceived wickedness.

But the end of the story is far from over even though Dorothy has found her way home and cares less about the witch's wickedness with passing time. Time and God are yet to tell the final outcome as neither Dorothy nor the witch has the crystal ball to see it.

So there you have it- the witch's side of the side...in summary anyways.

Super-Le

2010-02-27T14:20:00.001-08:00

It seems my attempts at being super-human have a tendency to fail... miserably so sometimes. But fear not! I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength!

Super-Le

2010-02-27T14:16:00.000-08:00

It seems my attempts at being super-human have a tendency to fail... miserably so sometimes. But fear not! I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength!

Wanting What I Do Not Want

2010-02-24T12:40:00.000-08:00

There's a basic flaw of mine that drives me to want what I really don't want. The good news though is that this can change over-time. For now, I'll just have to find ways to adjust.

Beautiful-Le

2010-02-21T18:35:00.000-08:00

An interesting concept...

Mental You

2010-02-18T13:05:00.000-08:00

There is so much I'd like to say.

Only problem is, I can't.

Instead, I speak to the mental you.

I tell you all that I'm thinking, and how you make me feel.

I tell you all the things I could not tell you if I could.

In other words, I bear it all to the mental you.

Tissue

2010-02-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

Many brands, colours, sizes, shapes, textures.

At the end of the day, they are good only to be used and thrown out.

Massa God Fish Can Done!

2010-02-15T15:57:00.000-08:00

Don't take my word for it.

Alive in Memory

2010-02-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

The day may mark the 2nd anniversary of your departure from this earth,

But you will forever live in me.

Still miss you grandma!

Knowing One's Place

2010-02-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

There's a certain peace that comes with knowing where one stands. In one sense, it makes the difficult times and memories a bit more worthwhile. After all, trials exist to build character and strength.

Keys and Safe-ty

2010-01-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

A lock is only as safe as the safety of the keys. Thank God for good neighbours.

New Horizons

2010-01-24T19:02:00.000-08:00

I have put many things on a mental list called "Want to/Wish I Could Do". Over the past few years, I have made head-way in accomplishing some of these items, whist others have continued on in "wishful thinking". This time, however, I am actively pursuing two of these goals. I hope they work out well, and I don't end up allowing them to become another thing-Le-Started-and-didn't-finish.

Forgive to a Point

2010-01-22T11:16:00.000-08:00

I believe in forgiveness. However, there comes a point when that is suicide, and one needs to forget about that word and move on. As such, I recommend anyone with accounts at a certain Canadian based bank to check their accounts constantly and be mindful that there are incompetent people running it... take my word for it.

An Un-Like-Le Day

2010-01-21T10:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up later than I originally planned (partly because I keeping "snoozing"). I finally got up and got ready. During all that I decided I wanted to wear a skirt, so I did. (That was a pretty big deal for me since I think pants rock!) It seems people actually notice that I always wear pants, even those who I didn't think noticed very about me. And not only did I wear a skirt, but I'm in my high heeled shoes! I usually wear my flats with the heels on occasion (ie, important meetings).

At work, I realized that I needed lunch (seems it's important). I looked at the menu and didn't feel for anything on it. So I decided to go to Alexander's Restaurant at the Courtleigh Hotel. After all, I think I can celebrate my one year (post-MSc.) working anniversary (albeit late, but hey!). Food was good - jerk chicken wrap with cheese, etc, served with salsa (which was surprisingly good since I normally don't like 'em things) and sour cream. The ambiance was also quite pleasant. I quite liked it.

What will I do later? Tomorrow? the rest of the weekend? Who knows?! But I'm feeling somewhat spontaneous it seems so anything is possible...within boundaries of course ;-D

Why?

2010-01-14T06:15:00.000-08:00

I am somewhat sad, depressed, not sure what to think, feeling sympathetic... I watch the news reports and hear many things from other people, and I wonder why. I cannot imagine what horror the Haitians are going through. I cannot imagine how the country, already so poor and almost destitute with 80% of the people below the poverty line, is coping right now. Many dead, others injured, in a daze, worried, crying, etc, etc.

I look at images, still and otherwise and I see a cry for help. I see people wondering "why me?". Many are missing, many feared dead. People do not have enough water or food. Hospitals have collapsed and medical supplies are short. Aid centres have been demolished. People are sleeping out in the cold, cold night air with barely enough to give them warmth. Mud cakes are perhaps difficult to find.

And I ask God why. Why an earthquake like this? Why Haiti, who was already grappling to recover from four storms in one year? Why are they suffering like this? What lesson must we get? Were they so wicked? Were we, the more "fortunate", not doing enough?

Father, I really don't understand...

You Serious?

2010-01-10T17:03:00.000-08:00

Several persons have ask me about my "love life". The response to my response is mainly shock/surprise. The reaction is similar when the question of any or many potential suitors is posed. I am assuming that somehow this is a compliment. But I can't help wondering if I'm doing something wrong, why there are no queues or options. Then again I'm sure God knows best...

Whatever will happen will happen.

Silent Sermon

2010-01-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.

The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone then he sat back in his chair, still silent.

The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting. The pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, 'Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the firey sermon. I will be back in church next week'.

Hebrews 10: 23-25

Sleepmares

2009-12-27T20:34:00.000-08:00

I should be happy to go to sleep at nights.
Instead, I fear it.

This too shall pass...